“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”