For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.