You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.