Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.