Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.