How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..