Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.