If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.