I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.