Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money