Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.