Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.