What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!