I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.