if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
How do you milk an almond?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.