If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.