Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.