CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.