What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.