The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.