I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.