*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.