Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.