Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.