What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.