My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school