Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!