Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.