Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.