I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…