I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.