A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 馃槈
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.