Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet