Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.