Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.