How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.