My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial