Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My background check bounced.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?