There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.