You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.