My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..