My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*