Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.