go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.