6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.