I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok