On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average