I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I have a black belt in leather
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”