I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.