“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.