Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My purse is deeper than some people.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.