Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I have a black belt in leather
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.