i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My background check bounced.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired