Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.